GIG GIGGLES by Zoot : Episode 4 Print E-mail
Written by Paul 'Zoot' Williams   
Wednesday, 23 December 2009 22:54





Hammersmith Odeon, London

30th May 1987


It all started when Slim was selling all his records on his doorstep to Twin. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked Slim. He replied that the records he had were Satanic so he was selling them. I couldn't believe it. Twin bought them all. I was gutted that I couldn't afford to buy any.


He sold classic albums like 'Hell Awaits', 'Bonded By Blood', 'City Baby Attacked By Rats'.........I just can't mention anymore coz I am filling up big time. I thought to myself "This is the boy who got me into Slayer and now he has gone all cuckoo" and, to make things worse, soldiersSlim told me that he was now into a band called Stryper, a Christian hair metal band. It was no good, I had to sit down - not coz I felt faint but coz I was afraid that I was gonna kick him in the bollocks.


I said to him "For fuck's sake, there is no God" to which he replied "Fuck off, prick." Slim once sold his soul to the Devil but he had decided to exchange his horns for a halo. I was so upset it made me drink so I went to The Mitre for a pint and told the boys the bad news. After a few Albrights (with a splash) I went home and put on 'Brain Death' by Nuclear Assault. It reminded me of Slim again - I just could not understand why he sold class and bought shit.


A week went by and Kerrang! was out and Stryper were featured in there. I thought to myself "These boys are a piss take, they gotta be" so I popped down Slim's house and asked him to give me a listen to Stryper. So he did. The album was called 'To Hell With The Devil', I listened to it and, as you can guess, it didn't convert me one bit. There was no way that I was gonnastryper start going to church and start stroking choir boys with one hand whilst rubbing my love truncheon with the other.


Slim mentioned that Stryper were playing a gig in London so you know what that meant folks - Yes, you guessed it; beer, piss, shit and a wank over Mary. Slim booked Morgan The Moon's mini bus for this Gig Of A Lifetime and a month later we were on the road to watch these piss taking wankdogs from Hell. We were all on the bus, the usual crowd; me, Twin, Johnny H, and Plug came along with us to just make the numbers up. I mean, at the end of the day, if there was no fucker in The Mitre then we might as well go and watch Stryper. We - well, me and Plug - were fucking smashed on the mini bus. We had run out of cans and empty bottles to piss in. I tipped my piss out of the window and it sprayed all over me and the gang and I then knew that this day was gonna be a good one...


We arrived in London to see these piss taking cunts on stage. We went into the Hammersmith Odeon and it was fanny galore. I tried to chat a girl up by asking her if I could borrow her face for ratting - she told me to fuck off (I don't know why). The first band came on and I can't remember what they were called but these Über Röck wankers reckon they were called Briar. Anyway, they were shit so me and Plug went back to the bar and drank more beer....and more.....and more......





The time had now come, it was Stryper's turn to come on stage. The lights went down and the crowd (except me and Plug) was going wild. They came on with 'To Hell With The Devil' - Slim was dancing, girls were cheering. I needed a shit and was gonna go on the floor right there but I was afraid that the Lord might strike me down. I went to the toilets - they were so clean. There was no piss on the walls, there were no shit bombs (toilet paper with shit on) thrown at the ceiling - I was gutted. This made me drink again so I went to the bar, got myself a beer and downed it.


I headed back to the gig and noticed that at the front of the crowd there was a man in a wheelchair. I thought to myself "Is he here to be healed? Does he want a new set of alloys for his wheelchair coz I am sure Stryper can sort that out for him." It was more than halfway through the gig and I turned around and noticed that Plug was sleeping through the gig. I shook him but he was gone. "Fuck!" I thought to myself "I need to sort out this band" so I started tozoot2 make the Devil sign with my hands but it was no good, the band took no notice of me.


The gig was ending and the band, to my amazement, was throwing out bibles into the crowd. I was pissing myself and, to make it even funnier, the poor fucker at the front in the wheelchair had a bible thrown at him and about fifteen people dived on top of him trying to get it. The poor bastard went there to be healed and ended up in A&E - it was class. Johnny H managed to catch a bible but he gave it to Slim coz he was showing off and saying that Johnny didn't deserve it. Slim's face was a picture, he was now the proud owner of a bible with a Stryper sticker on it. If I ever get another band together I am gonna throw out Viz and cock mags. Oh yeah, and the gay mag called 'Zipper.' There is nothing like a good gig but Stryper were total bollocks - what a pile of hypocritical spunkbuckets.


Zoot's final thought - If there is a God then where was he when that poor cunt at the front in a wheelchair was getting a shoeing over a £1.50 bible?

Merry Xmas to all my fans - I love you all xx