Episode 10 of the legendary Zoot's Gig Giggles column saw our anti-hero turning down a fat girl and engaging another troubled gentleman in a spewing competition. Episode 11 picks up the story as a gig by Wolfsbane became filled with more shitheads (and feet) than usual.....

Wolfsbane/Gangland - Beechgrove Social Club - July 1988 (The True Story - Part 2)

How could I beat Plug? He was a natural. The Beechgroves car park was like a paddy field and I needed to add more to it but I just couldn't spew anymore: I was a failure and it didnt help that fatty was outside sobbing away at me.

Blackmore came outside with a warm bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale for me so I downed it. I then gave the empty bottle to Boolie and he threw it over someone's garden and it smashed. This voice from the garden went, "Oi, fuck off," so we did, back inside, very quickly.

As soon as I was inside I felt my guts starting to feel a bit strange; I knew this was the time to run back out and make history. So, off I ran back outside with my disciples following me. I lent forward but nowt was happening, the boys and girl were shouting "Come on Zoot, you can do it!" I put my fingers down my throat but still nothing....then I thought of a plan.

I looked up and saw Pork Pie still sobbing at me - I shut my eyes and was thinking of me sticking a tail on her, I then thought of what it would be like to see her naked in bed with KY Jelly in one hand and fly spray in the other hand.....and that was it, I spewed and spewed and spewed. Everyone was cheering me on as I was making noises like an eight year old dirty dildo stuck in a tramp's mouth.

I won, I was hero of the town, the crowd went wild. Twin gave me another Newcastle Brown Ale to rehydrate myself. I downed it and then headed back into the club ready to watch Wolfsbane.

I was over Uber Rock Gaz's house before I wrote this Gig Giggle and he told me that he was there at this gig as well. I didn't believe him. Why didn't I see him, I thought to myself, then it came to me; it was probably because he looked like a girl.

Wolfsbane were really good, fairplay - cracking sound and very talented.

After jumping around for an hour the gig was over so we went outside. Tub of lard arse was still outside sobbing but that's the effect I have on rock chicks. We were all now on the bus heading back to Abertillery singing, shouting, swearing, taking the piss out of Blackmore as usual. It was an awsome night, it all went too quick. As we were driving up through Six Bells I asked the bus driver to drop me off and all the boys asked, "Zoot, why are you getting off here for?"

I said, "Coz I am cunted and need fresh air." So off I got and I waved to the boys and took a right turn and started to walk up the famous Dog Shit Alley. Now, Dog Shit Alley is a famous back street that has more shit than a gay poof's helmet. I started to walk up this dog-egg mine field and every other step was a squelch. I am 5ft 6" and by the time I got up to the top of Dog Shit Alley I was 7ft.

I finally got home. I took off my shit stilletos and went straight to bed and woke up later the next day, in the afternoon.

So, my claim to fame is that I met Blaze Bayley who went on to become lead singer in Iron Maiden and, most importantly, I beat Plug in a spewing competion.

Happy fucking days.

Zoot's final thought - Never wear white trainers whilst walking up Dog Shit Alley