|Guardians Of Time - 'A Beautiful Atrocity' (Mayhem Music)|
|Written by Matt Phelps|
|Friday, 01 June 2012 04:30|
Try as I might to get into 'A Beautiful Atrocity' by Norwegian outfit Guardians Of Time to give it a fair, balanced review I just can't. I personally find it to be a steaming pile of crap from tedious beginning to monotonous end. Just one shit sandwich short of a full on scat-fest. Also, as a concept album, a ridiculously impenetrable storyline runs through this abomination making it as unfathomable as Bella Emberg's fun flaps. In fact I would much rather have those pudgy love lips slapped onto each side of my face at this moment than the current treacherous headphones I have on that are feeding this musical rubbish into my slowly suffocating mind.
To give a brief insight into just how absurd the storyline actually is (I'm not about to even attempt to explain) each song in the CD booklet actually comes with its own paragraph explaining just what the fuck is (supposed) to be going on. Are we supposed to stop this album every five minutes to play catch up? I don't remember any of King Diamond's albums being like that. That's probably because he's a good storyteller though, isn't it? Guardians Of Time are not!
Dropping names like Iron Maiden, Gamma Ray and Queensryche into the press release was something that attracted me to this band originally but they actually sound fuck all like any of them and for the majority of the time the vocals of Bernt Fjellestad sound like a tribute to Ripper Owens (oh the irony!) in a bad Hammerfall covers band. Power metal? There's more power in my fucking dishwasher tablets than there is here. If 'A Beautiful Atrocity' is like anything then it's a Mexican speed boat. Why? Because just one strike from this "creation" will give you the type of screaming headache Kirsty MacColl got on holiday!
Aids is catchy, this shit ain't but avoid it like the plague anyway!
To pick up your copy of 'A Beautiful Atrocity' - CLICK HERE